Yes, No, ....Maybe So..

Growing up I was a know it all. Which is funny to me, because at 21 years old I feel as if I don't know much of anything. Sometimes I feel as if I am a walking contradiction. Saying one thing, thinking another. Feeling one way, doing another. I wonder what has been the causes in altering my certainty and morals; regarding self respect when dealing with romantic relationships. They say with age comes wisdom. But what about nietivity. When you are young things are BLACK and WHITE. YES or NO. But as you get older things become GRAY. Or even a MAYBE. The ability to become open minded and understanding is like a rapid attack on the things you stood so firmly against, or for, when you were a child. However, It's like I never even had a chance to stay true to myself. I remember I used to be so strong and firm in my belief. At times I can close my eyes see my sharp jawline, wide eyes, and hear my strong voice saying a host of things:

"A man will never disrespect me and get away with it",
"I'm never having sex until I am married",
"I will never lose myself in a man".

There was always an adult or someone much older or much experience replying with the saying "Never say never",
Never say never, always made me mad. I would get so fucking angry. It's as if they knew I would break my promises, let myself down. Who died and made them Queen? Since when did they read oracles. As Women why do they want me weak? It seem as if they stole my chance to be certain or to be strong. I promised myself that I would never discourage anyone from staying true to their self. I would never say "Never say never"

Here I am , 13 years later. Running in to a host of men in these last few months who have not had the most respect for me, having pre-marital sex, losing my ambitions and hopes because I couldn't balance the love for me and the love for him and somehow the love for him had over conquer. But just when I thought I could not let my 8year old self down enough. I began stepping and crushing on young girls morals. Throwing blows against their optimism. breaking their balance that keeps them planted. with words no one thought held much weight. "NEVER SAY NEVER"

Before the age, life's experiences, people thoughts, and opinions. I didn't take disrespect from anyone. especially men. I had a host of insecurities. but no matter the depth. no man was going to disrespect me. I remember getting into brawls with the young dudes from around my way if they called me out my name. I recalled one time pouring 2liters worth of orange soda on one dude. Once, I even hit a dude with a Snapple glass bottle across his head for talking trash to me. I was sure about not letting a dude disrespect me. I respected myself. I didn't sleep around. I went to good schools. I talked to people with decency. but what happens when disrespect is not as blatant as calling you a BITCH or a HOE, or Him SLAPPING you or pushing you? when it's something as subtle as unanswered phone calls, emotionless sex, cheap dates with hope of sexual thrills, cheating, and or deceiting? what happens when that begins to infect your self worth?

A while ago I was in an unhealthy relationship. We didn't go out on dates any more. there was a lack of communication. Sex even became stagnant. I was fighting all by myself for the relationship or maybe for even the sake of myself. I couldn't let go. I was starving for his affection, empathy, and touch. I guess I put so much of my self love in his hands. Its like he loved me for the sake of me. When I felt like the love was becoming dismissive. I needed someone to replace that feeling. For years he had filled me with love. Then cut me off, pull the cord. It was like he cut me off from life support. It's like that saying "You make someone your everything when they leave you have nothing" I was left with nothing. I kept holding on to him balancing my security with his attitude; which was always hot and cold. So basically one day I was feeling good about myself and the next day I felt like shit. I started to look else where. I became infatuated with men just lusting me, wanting me and it didn't matter in which way. They were filling my void. So I thought. like a dog can smell fear. a man can smell insecurity/desperation. and I must have wore that shit like a badge of honor. They didn't give me much. a text here and there. no dates. it didn't matter because a little was better than nothing. It was depressing. On one hand I had a man who I loved so deep that made me feel so unimportant. But i kept holding on. then on the other hand a host of men. who gave me compliments, who spoke a good rap,. but who I knew would not even spit on me if I was on fire. I was so desperate for them to fall in love with me. to levitat the pain of someone I love falling out of love with me. Never would I have thought I would weight my self worth on the basis such as a male interest in me. My phone calls were going unanswered even my text, I was being stood up for dates, I even was giving ultimatums that I knew I was not going to keep. "Trying to demand respect and admiration."

My self respect was at its lowest point. EVER. After five months of lowering my standards dealing with a host of men, that the strong self assured me would not have even  gave a second look, I begun to heal from the inside out. The process begun when my then boyfriend, the man I had love and still do, communicated with me. He spoke to me with a care. Wiith the love for me as a person not just his partner. He explained to me what attracted me to him. He said I was always so strong in who I was;  in my opinions,  my belief, how I have always been weird and different but I owned it. How I have always appeared to be strong and confident in the way I walk, talk, and dress; didn't need to impress anyone. He continue stating that I use to posses such A love for my beauty, my strength, my endurance, hope, and my high standards when it came to dealing with men. He watched me running around like a chicken with out a head for some months. BEGGING and needing a mans attention even if they weren't worthy of mine. I wasn't the young woman he fell in love with. He was ashamed and hurt for me.

During that time I blamed him for a lot of my insecurities and confusion. I was in denial because nothing was more painful than to know I was the reason behind my own lack of self-respect and love. I took heed to what he said. I began to re-learn myself.  I was at a constant battle with the girl I was and the women I was to become. I didn't know who I was any more so how could I have even begun to love myself. I let my spouse issues become my issue to a point it became deferential to my character and growth as a women. I had to come to terms that I was no longer that eight year old girl so strong on my morals and values. I have become naive with the hope of love for others. Of loving someone. Yet so unbalanced That I stop loving myself in the process;  that was the conflict for me. that was the war. It was my eight year old "I will never" self  vs my "Never say Never" twenty one year old self. I'm at a gray area now. Both sides win, they are both apart of me. Here I am. getting my groove back. taking a break from men. Working on me and my soul. re-establishing a worth for a 21 year old woman. Learning my wants and desires, setting standards and barriers for future romantic dealings, writing poems, advocating for causes, reading, studying, meditating, singing, laughing, learning to be in my own company.

I know this sound cliche, remembering people only treat you the way you allow them to. And if you don't respect yourself how can anyone else? If you are a good women. If you want the best for any and every one. If you have always been honest. If you have always been quick to lend a helping hand. IF you are genuine in all your givings. Understanding, patient, loving, supportive, hardworking. You deserve to have a man with those same qualities. but most of all one who respects you endlessly. Try your hardest to never forget your worth. Always remain true to yourself. Stick with your hobbies. Stay true to your passion or career. Take time out for the spiritual and physical being. Love your self my SISTA. and remember....

Self respect is a battle with soul and heart. My heart was in the right place but my soul was conflicted. You have to love yourself fully before getting into any type of relationship. You have to be in awe with yourself. As long as you are in complete breath taking awe with yourself you will never sell yourself short. Your twenty's are important years for development. Self respect is about that balance. the balance to stay strong with your morals stick to your guns but also have the naivety to take a chance or a hope on love. it's trial and error. You might lose some morals and gain others. I may relapse, fall down a ladder and give someone time and energy who may not really deserve it. But I'm learning. and funny thing, sometimes it takes a man to teach us or at least remind us sister's of our self-worth.