UGH! Sometimes I find myself a wishing, a praying, and a hoping that someone can put their "Computer-Engineering" PHD to use and invent a Time Machine. but the wishing, praying, and hoping does not stop there. I then wish that I can get in this Time Machine, turn the dial to the two weeks after God Created Adam and That BITCH EVE, and then. right there. Soon when she decides to part her lips, open her mouth wide. Saliva building up. her teeth ready to dig deep. I appear, like a bat out of hell, or like Sallie Mae. And DROP KICK HER ASS. not no ole' Jackie Chan drop kick. Ohhh nooo sister girl, I'm talking about Combat Boots, Leather Jackets, Black Panther, Rodney King Beaten, 1970s Oakland California Drop Kick! I'm talking about, Taking Earrings out your ears, Smothering Vaseline on YOUR face, 5 Corn rows, 2 Head Scarves tied extra tight. Double Plated Name Rings on all fingers, Tired of Tee-Tee from down the block Staring at You Every time you walk by Drop Kick! Yup. Full Force. Hoping that will teach her hard-headed ass a lesson. because frankly , God has punish us women sooo terribly bad with this monthly visit from the aunt we all hate, Yup my sisters. Aunt Flo. |
| Yum, Yum, Yum. |
See Aunt Flo is a life ruiner for many of reasons. But for one reason in particular. like many Aunts we hate; she always seem to come at the worst of times. Remember when you were younger? and an adult you weren't too fond of would show up during your time of fun and just ruin everything? Just before you can "WAX" your 6 year old sister's eyebrows with candle wax. BOOM! busting through the bathroom door is that damn Adult! ruining every damn thing!! (I mean who doesn't knock?). Well basically that is The Aunt Flo of our adult lives. Honestly, out of all the days she can ruin ones life. Such as; Thanksgiving, Easter Sunday when we are looking for any reason to dodge church, or even your 1st date back in to the dating field. That time when you are extremely desperate; but your date is extremely ugly and dry. If Aunt Flo was a decent Aunt at all She would come a flowing. Making sure no matter how many tequila shots u have or how in your intoxicated mind, he's beginning to look like Kevin Garnett, there is no way or chance in hell you can have sex with him.
BUT NO...
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| You remember this scene? |
Aunt Flow is a miserable bitch I must say, and she will do anything to make her nieces just as miserable. So she comes unannounced. At times like, when we are at an all white affair on a boat, miles away from land or your local Duane Reade. Or during 5th period Earth Science, when the boy we swore we would marry is sitting at the desk behind us. Or on valentines day. I mean who gives a rat ass if we're single, you just never know when we mite bump in to that one who got away. She comes on birthdays, even our 21st!! (I know this by experience) leaving no chance for that good ol birthday sex (not that I'm having sex mom :-) Wedding days! Or a day when we have to do an important presentation related to work , just a turning and a twisting our damn uterus causing us to bend to our knees. I'm telling you guys She's messy- gooey and yucky, she stinks! she hurts us physically and emotionally. making us cry at the things we should laugh hysterically at (I once cried during a whole Dave Chappelle stand-up). Crippling us where at times we cant even move. She even makes us fat! or FATTER! ughhhhhhhh!
But SADLY....
Like all Aunts we must learn to love her, accept her, and respect her..because she is here for the long haul and in all actuality apart of us.
So to stay Cordial towards the wicked wicked Aunt. We must first find beauty in her. The ability to create life is not only beautiful, but astonishing as well. The idea that once the visits from aunt flow comes to a cease. So will our ability to continue humanity. in our womb every month our body is getting prepared to form a life. to breathe, love, cry, dance, sing, work, live. Furthermore, in that mess is the release of toxins from our body. spiritually and physically. Some say blood also holds the spirits. Aunt Flo helps empty the negative and impurities from our mind, body, and soul.
But most of the time we feel drained and tired. So take some "me time". Take a nice long Bubble bath (followed by shower), light candles (scented ones), drink some tea (if your anything like me and get hot during Aunt Flo, iced tea is just as good), fill the tub with rose petals. Ask your significant lover to give you a massage. Or check out Magic Fingers Nail Salon; Get a pedicure, manicure, with a 2 minute massage included.
If you feel like crying watch your favorite sappy movie (mine is What's Eating Gilbert Grape) and let them water works flow. Get out your diary and or journal. and write, write, write. you'll be surprise what hidden emotions aunt flow may help you find.
And when things are painful. Lie on your tummy to put pressure on it, or place a heating pad on it, sit on your floor or yoga mat and meditate while listening to the soothing sounds of India arie or Norah jones (or both) or do some yoga, or exercise, or go for a walk, sip a lot of tea (or ice tea), or even some wine (red). Or if things just keep hurting, Hey! FUCK IT , like weezy said! "pill popping animal" pop a Tylenol or Midol. Shiiiiitt sometimes I even give in to the pharmaceuticals.
And when that OH SO BITCHY attitude magically appears, hey don't suppress it. This is the one time a month when you have the biological right to talk shit to people, and tell them how you really feel. and then turn around and blame it on being a Woman. Also, remember to eat all the chocolate your heart desires, and the ice cream, and Mallomars (oh that's just me?) your belly can handle. Because Aunt Flow only comes once a month. and you might as well milk her for all she got. ;-)
So get out them Super Kotex Tampons (oh that's just me again?) and Them Always Infinity Pads (with wings) and....
Embrace the Woman in You.
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| My Kryptonite for Aunt Flo |
lmaoo loved it! Well written
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